Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
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Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*