Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

No thanks, toilets that flush.

-kids

quarantine day 3

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

Strangers have the best candy.

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis