The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
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[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?