the gulf of mexico should’ve been renamed to sea señor.
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[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?