Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

The Others (2001)

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop