The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
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[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Beware…..
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way