Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

🪶

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?