The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
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Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
it be like that
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me