Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what