The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
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At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Kids: Stay in school.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
The Sun
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
