Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

Flowers bee like

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

I’M CRYINGGG

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?

Me: um yes. I’m married.

CG: *shrugs* your loss.

Me:

CG: