The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
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Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
An odd boast
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.