Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

new wife guy just dropped

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america