Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

Donkey Kong sommelier

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

The Compass