Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

Bruh 😂

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment