You’re the water to my grease fire.
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I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.