you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
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Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .