The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
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Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”