The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
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Never be a pizza!
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing