Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

something like this could probably happen to anyone

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

These are too funny not to post 😂

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

October 31

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

Noah was an idiot.

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.