“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Guantanamo Bae
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Who.
Did.
This?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]