The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
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You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching