@kirkdiedrich

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

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@TheTweetOfGod

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

@captainkalvis

me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

sperm bank employee: oh my god

me: what

sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

@gman_kam

If by fitness you mean I eat healthy & exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.

@NonCombosMentos

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

@liv_thatsme

We desperately need something to unite humanity. No, not love or compassion. I’m talking about a full scale alien attack.

@HatfieldAnne

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

@NicestHippo

The inventor of the toilet must’ve had a rough time at his presentation. “Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea”

@MissBamantha

Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase “calm down.”

@horselythighs

Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic