The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
You Might Also Like
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?