The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

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“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.


me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

sperm bank employee: oh my god

me: what

sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk


If by fitness you mean I eat healthy & exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.


*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*


We desperately need something to unite humanity. No, not love or compassion. I’m talking about a full scale alien attack.


I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”


The inventor of the toilet must’ve had a rough time at his presentation. “Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea”


Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase “calm down.”


Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic