@kirkdiedrich

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

You Might Also Like

@notalogin

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

@Brampersandon_

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

@UnFitz

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

@mommajessiec

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

@skickwriter

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

@Lexxivy

If your boyfriend is ever about to break up with you, yell “what about the baby!” You’ll be in a relationship for at least another 5 minutes

@portmanteauface

2019: gonna take my horse to the old town road

2020: gonna have to eat my horse

@jokeymcjokeface

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

@TheDailySchmuck

People have underestimated me my entire life, and they’ve been wrong on like two of those days.

@freudianscript

My therapist told me I can ask him anything I want. So I asked him, ‘How does my lack of progress make you feel?’