The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

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Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.


BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*


Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.


They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.


[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*



If your boyfriend is ever about to break up with you, yell “what about the baby!” You’ll be in a relationship for at least another 5 minutes


2019: gonna take my horse to the old town road

2020: gonna have to eat my horse


If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?


People have underestimated me my entire life, and they’ve been wrong on like two of those days.


My therapist told me I can ask him anything I want. So I asked him, ‘How does my lack of progress make you feel?’