The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
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After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Good advice.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!