Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…

Die.

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.