The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
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[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.