Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

Smooooooth

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

Hey! This isn’t my car!

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

I am patiently waiting for your email

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.