Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

I’m not average. I’m mean.

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

my first dose meeting my second

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.