Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation