the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
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I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
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“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.