The guy I just cut off thinks he’s gonna destroy my car with high beams.

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A Canadian has a bad day:
(Traps a goose, and casts a spell)
Fly my lovely. Be aggressive. Block traffic, and shit everywhere. Be my wrath..


It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.


[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]


SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay


I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.


[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?


The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?


My kids seem to remember everything they ever wanted to tell me whenever I’m in the bathroom with the door shut.


My wife just walked into a huge spider web.

She is now a black belt in karate.