Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.

So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up