The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
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“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
i was dropped as an adult
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.