Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]

my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.