The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
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peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits