The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
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The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
i was dropped as an adult
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.