The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
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If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Carpe DM
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
when there are deer in the woods
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.