The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
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*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
my retirement plan is braless
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.