The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
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Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
me and my fake scenarios
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*