Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.