Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

boss: we have to let you go

me: why

boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing

me: em…

boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good

me: see!

boss: ok you can stay

me: *under my breath* a

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”

He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.

😅🤣😂

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder