Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

#milo

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it