The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
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i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog