The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
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celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Every BBC series about the universe.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.