Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie