Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly