Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

Thursday Thought.

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

How about daylight saves us for once

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie