Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

wow he looks just like him

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.