The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
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Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Every haunted house movie:
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers