Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

Twitter is the new flypaper.

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.