The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
You Might Also Like
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?