the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
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How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.