Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.