Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

Wife: don’t forget the list

Me: I won’t

[later]

Me: [calling from the grocery store]

My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me