the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
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The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
I can fix him.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.