the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
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My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?