Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.