The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
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Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
all that yoga finally paid off
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.