The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
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The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Proctology is located in A55
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.