The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
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Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
LOL
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
How times have changed.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.