The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
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Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Oops I deleted….
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.