The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
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You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Always the camel, never the toe.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.