The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
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Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!