Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.

His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”

#FreeRocky

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.