Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

cat vs inanimate object

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.