The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
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BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.