The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
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Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you