The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
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*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.