Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

I needed a laugh this morning.

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?